Posted by Alexpanait on November 09, 19103 at 21:40:59:
In Reply to: Re: Choice posted by R.Rangan on November 08, 19103 at 23:15:02:
The explanation that you gave me in your last two posts is a very wise one. But I've been knowing what you say for years. I understand completely what this process is and furthermore I know I can achieve this state of "real existence" this "stillnes of the mind". I can achieve this state wherein the questioner and the observer an the observed all become one. I have been pursuing this goal for many years now. I've done a lot of meditation, and I have practised Buddhism. I have also practised TAI CHI for several years and I have experienced things of which I can almost not believe that they happened. All these practises are meant to reach that one ultimate state of "enlightenment". I have reached complete control of my emotions, and I do mean COMPLETE. I really have reached ultimate freedom because I cannot be touched by anything outside of me. I believe I have reached enlightenment, which means(to me) that I can go into the state of completeness, where I will return to the source, where all things are one, where there is no difference between the observer and the observed. I've been pursuing this position for so many years and all these years I read about it and heard about it and it always seemed so far away. But since approximately one year ago, I have attained this state myself. And I am experiencing now that it is true what I always heard: you pursue it so devoted, but once you've reached it it's deadnormal for you that you are in the state you are and that you can do the things you can do. For example, it's as normal for me to dissolve an unproductive thought or emotion(no matter how strong it is) as it is normal for others to just pick up a gl. I really have absolute freedom and I can finally go to Nirwana at the moment of my choosing. But here lies the problem, all I have to do with my absolute freedom is to make the critical decision and after that everything will go automatically. I really have only one important thing left in my life to do, and that is to make the critical decision. When you're totally disconnected from all influences, you are faced only with making the final decision. All the time that you follow the path to enlightenment you are driven by a motive, but when you are finally one last step away from enlightenment, you still have to make a choice to go into the state of final enlightenment. But when you've reached that moment of making the last step you are free of all motives and this withholds you from making the last step. So this is where I am exactly. I cannot make the decision that is required to reach full enlightenment and I cannot determine even if enlightenment is what I want, because my "wanting" sort of stopped. It's a very surreal experience and I never thought this would happen. But when I think of the Buddha I remember that he too reached enlightenment in his life, but that his REAL enlightenment was reached only when he died. This was the moment when he truly entered Nirwana. So my guess is that he too had the problem that I am facing now and that he too could not make any decision. So he still followed one of his "earthly" motives, which was compion, and tried to teach humanity about the truth. And finally the inescapable death would make the decision FOR him and so he went into Nirwana. Even when I know that I will enter Nirwana after my death, I cannot make the decision to die. I guess that the Buddha had this too. But still I face the problem of trying to find out what I should do untill I die. I am just 23 years old! Off course I could follow my basic "true" motives like compion, but I know that even this "true" motive is in fact hollow. But I keep living and all the time that I live I therefor make decisions because these 2 things can not be separated. While I keep deciding my mind keeps popping up in between my decisions and though I don't really feel "bad" with this situation, I keep searching for motives. It's a very strange situation: I have the ability to accept my situation, but I can't find the motive to DECIDE to accept it. On the other hand I cannot find the motive to NOT TO DECIDE to accept it either. So I keep following my instincts(motives) but I am actually sort of "witnessing" myself following my instincts. It's all so strange, I'm switching between to states. Sometimes I have periods when I am standing direct in the middle of life: enjoying myself, feeling, being happy, being good to others around me, just "being". But still I am at the sametime "witnessing" myself experiencing this all. Other times I'm totally standing outside of life, caught up only in awareness, neglecting myself and neglecting my body. Barely taking care of my body enough to keep it alive, caught up in this mind process of trying to find some motive to decide wether to end my existence, or to fully experience life. But the answer never comes, nevertheless the switch to the other state does always come. It comes through my inner will which eventually always switches to the other state. My inner will just slips past my mind , which is caught up in a deadlock and cannot decide for whatever decision, and the inner will just goes on without "realising" what its doing. It just goes on. It's all very complicated.. Anyway you can clearly see, and the "witness" in myself is seeing too at this moment, that I'm not having any trouble with being in the situation where I am in. But eventually at some moment my other state will come back, and then my mind will go searching for motives to base it's decisions on again, and it will be asking you those questions again, of which it already knows that there are no answers. But still it does only what it CAN do.