And up next rose the President of Priceton-- that one smiling dude with John Lennon glasses-- you know who by now. He fumbled about some for like his speech in his suit pockets, but he couldn't find it, and his wife handed it to him-- or I mean the old blond chick in sunglasses. You'd think he'd have it memorized.

"I greatly appreciate the opportunity to participate in this ancient tradition honoring the elite of the elite. With boundless pride I stand here before you tonight, in this intimate undergraduate ceremony held in the natural surroundings of the beautiful Institute woods, which the ghosts of all yesterday's greats yet haunt. Listen closely and you can hear General Mercer commanding his troops in their noble struggle for freedom over that hill yonder. In the babbling brook lives on the laughter and somber voices of the countless undergraduates of yesteryear who once walked the paths of these woods seeking that which all youth seeks-- the mystery and romance of night. They are yet conversing of the girl from Demoines, or Raleigh, or Nantucket, who they're bringing to Houseparties. They're yet conspiring to lead this greatest country upon the earth to new pinnacles of enlightenment and achievement. They're yet planning, and dreaming, preparing for war and marriage, careers and adventures, academic pursuits and positions of leadership that are dear to the freedoms we enjoy in this country. And so by youth's eternal optimism, by the scholar's dedication, by the athlete's sportsmanship and love of competition, by the pursuit of happiness in this noble nation of freedom, all of youth, present, past, and future, we are united here tonight. "

"Indeed I feel a part of this elite family, as I'm well acquainted with many of your fathers, having met them during the admissions process, and I am very proud to say that the secret society advisorial board has composed a charter for a new Institute for Secret Society Studies to be constructed on Cannon green behind Nassau hall. The charter has been approved by the trustee's Development of Higher Consciousness board, as well as the CIA, and we have all but acquired the necessary funding to start the construction of this project. For the leadership that is developed in secret societies has its price-- where would this country be without the underground private discrimination and pettiness that your societies afford? And now without further adieu, allow me to introduce our key note speaker tonight. A most remarkable woman she is; one whose name lends such a value to your Princeton education that we were able to jack up the price every year since we acquired her. An authoress poetess of the highest caliber, who overcame all oppression with a talent tantamount to all the dead white males who've walked before her. A talent she's utilized to immortalize the fascinating daily lives of white trash, where one moment one is brushing their teeth, and the next they are murdered. Whatever she has ever lacked in the way of substance, she has more than made up for in the way of abundance, and I introduce to you the lady who shall be claiming my post next year, as the President of Priceton, as I'm stepping down in the name of diversity. And here she is-- the one in the sequin dress, Ms. Professor Sycorax."

He got himself a standing ovation, and people were crying and shaking their heads in disbelief-- you could tell they were gonna miss him. Well, Ill try to say what Ms. Professor Sycorax went on like, and I wish we'd thought to tape it, cause I could never get it down word for word, on account of her using all the big ones I'd never heard before, anywhere. But Cliff said the words were no matter anyhow, and told me I should just try for conveying the general feeling of it all, like I'd already been doing all along; rather than concentrating too much on specifics, and that when I'd had finished, he d take some time out of his SAT course and throw in a few whoppers to make it believable, and like authentic sounding. Well when she took the platform, there was some murmuring, and then a complete hush fell down over the crowd, like a silent snow, as she stood there for a minute and looked them all up and down, like sizing up her targets, and then she started in ever so calm and cool and monotoned, so as to leave herself plenty of clearance in which to work her way up, just like how Slash plays his Les Paul.

"It is my honor tonight to give the two hundred and sixth indoctrination speech to the Pricetonians After Dark Society, and let me also welcome the Pricetonians of Darkness, to our town meeting. . . The Pricetonians After Dark," She said it real slow and then looked up and down the whole audience. "Pricetonians After Dark-- at first those three words inspired in me a macabre, clandestine feeling; filled with gentry, gothicness, chivalry, tradition, phallocentricism, the great texts, and evil. But in a dream last night it dawned upon me-- the true meaning of the words Pricetonians After Dark. The Pricetonians After the Dark, are the Pricetonians of the light. And indeed it is an apt description of the state of our university today. Never before in all the history of mankind has there been such a majestical, humane demonstration of civilization as there is today at Princeton University. A Princeton of diversity, cooperation , free-thought, and unity. All the world's brightest youth are united upon these Gothic grounds in a celebration of the fundamental human rights-- a celebration of the fundamental freedoms that all homo-sapiens are heir to: the freedom of thought , the freedom from fear of intimidation, the freedom to be different, the freedom to follow one's own heart felt curiosity, the freedom to disagree, the freedom to create, the freedom of speech . Never before has the word democracy been defined through the reality of human actions as it has on this campus within this past decade. The abstract ideal of democracy is today being realized-- a democracy that shall be carried forth, beyond the classrooms of this campus, and lent onto the world by all of you and your peers-- our future leaders-- the gifted possessors of a sense of true poetic justice. You have been endowed with the gifted vision that shall distinguish the good from the evil; and the divine reality of human existence shall be gazed upon through your eye s and recorded by your pens, as we are delivered into the new age of post-decostruction. Yes, my friends, we are almost there; the world is yet to be borne, but borne it shall be, as peace is inevitable.

"Oh, let us ponder our existence, and ask ourselves why we are here tonight. We came not to the University to know language, nor did we come to know why leaves change color, nor did we come here to learn what lies at the edge of the universe, nor what our ancestors thought. No. Here at the university we learn of these things, but we came, to the Princeton University, to know ourselves. So tonight I ask, what is woman? Is she made of flesh, is he made of blood? Is she made of an Ego and an Id? Is she space, is he time? Is he made of cells, or is she made of atoms? Is she made of culture, or is he made from society? Is she made of words, or is he made of sentences?"

"Oh, my friends! He is made of all of these, and all are made from him, but none of them are him, and she is none of them. Woman is poetry. And poetry is what we came to this university to learn. And so tonight I shall speak of poetry: your poetry, my poetry: our poetry. A new, living democratic poetry that unites us in cause and absolution. The poetry of us . A fresh poetry, a recent poetry, the poetry that humankind has been waiting to sing since the dawn of time. The poetry of meaninglessness."

"For after vast amounts of thorough scholarly research conducted here and at other leading world institutions and highly objective think tanks, we have come to realize that all pursuit of order in culture and society throughout the ages has lead to oppression, to colonization, to discrimination, to exploitation, to war. The ideas of justice and law have served to fill the pockets of the wealthy, satiate the appetites of the aggressive; and control the masses and enslave them to the menial, unrewarding jobs. The idea that ideas are intrinsically contained in arrangements of words has shown to be a transparent myth perpetuated by the establishment; as all words are ultimately but tools used to obtain power for the speaker. Oh, it has taken mankind too long-- far too long, to realize that all the renowned, great texts-- his entire cannon-- is void of meaning. To realize that Shake-a-speare was not a genius, but merely an evolutionary animal just struggling to stay alive, and instinctually attempting to obtain power while furthering his private interests: womanizing, cohorting, excavating, manipulating, brown nosing the gentry, romantically reminiscing, loitering. Oh, it has taken man far too long to realize the horrid magnitude of the great sins committed by the great sinners; and in the meantime his blindness has cost him an infinite amount, in the ways of unspeakable pain and suffering; for the toll has been paid for in blood; but let us not lose our hope-- for I am a believer that it is not too late to save humankind from her morbid fate."

"I welcome you tonight to the new literature, as we approach a brand new millennium. A meaningless literature of all languages, of all combinations of thoughts and feelings, where all are equal. A tower never seen before, so bold and brave, reaching towards the heavens, as we aspire for men's and women's perfect state of being-- living harmoniously with nothing to try for, nothing to die for, nothing to say, nothing to sing, nothing to cry for, and no reason to laugh-- for we have realized the meaninglessness of it all, and now we must bestow it upon all man and womankind, and heal . Peace, my friends, is inevitable, as I said, but we must do everything in our power to assure that we realize this utopia as soon as possible."

"We must begin today, for there are thousands of children and trees dying as I speak these words; and we must not rest, for the price of democracy is eternal vigilance. But it is a small price to pay to achieve heaven here on this earth. We must forever hold loyal to the Five Points of Light of Nothingness. First of all we must be wary of tyrants, who while speaking of dem ocracy out of one side of their mouth, are eating the people with the other side of their mouth. We must ensure that our rulers are willing to give their entire mouths over for the cause of democracy. We must be prepared and ready to act and take all precautions in deterring a potential tyrant, preventing him from obtaining power. Too often the common working-class and less endowed peoples are blind to the nature of these wolves dressed in sheep s clothing, and the tyrant is voted into power. This brings me to the second point of light, in which our new society must set up a council of guardians for the good of all woman and mankind, to alleviate the great stresses running a democracy imposes upon the working-class, bible-belt people, and save the voters from the possibility of irresponsibly delivering the helm of there society into the hands of a voracious, power hungry, tyrant. As men, by no fault of their own, are too often prone to violence, this council shall be composed of women-- the perceptive elite who are able to perceive what is good for all of man and womankind. This council shall be solely responsible for ensuring that the subsidiary classes walk the straight and narrow, and heed the directives of the points of light. To ensure the stratified order necessary for the existence and perpetuation of our utopia, the council shall supervise the education of people. From early youth everyone shall be taught nothingness, and when of nothingness they are utterly convinced, then we can instill in the m the Myth of the Metals: all citizens are brothers and sisters, made by the Gods out of the same raw materials. Some are endowed with gold in their veins, and they shall be the rulers. Others are born with silver in their veins, and they shall be the auxiliaries and go-betweens. And lastly are those who are made of iron and bronze, who were made to love the nitty-gritty, such as physicists: we need them to make our laser printers, so that we might have a means of expressing our amorphous spirits-- we are the meaning for their science. Golden parents shall give birth to golden children, naturally, as the objective practice of science has proven to us; and if by some freak of nature silver parents give birth to a golden child, the child shall be removed, and raised in a golden home. At first, my friends, many citizens will be inclined to doubt this myth; but it is the truth, or at least a great lie, and noble too, and it should take only a few generations until it is the status quo, and common household, dinner-table talk."

"The institution of marriage is an antiquated remnant of the patriarchy, in our brave new day and age, as it is an institution based on discrimination, as people only marry other people who they like. Ridding ourselves of this hindering burden of not marrying people we do not like shall give birth to a brand new equality; while simultaneously eliminating the possibility of rape, as it shall be a silly, unfounded concept in this brave new context where everyone shall be expected and encouraged to copulate with everyone else, whenever one or more of them gets the notion to do so. This shall help to eliminate all feelings of rejection and greatly muffle the pain induced by life's fundamental unfairness; and anyone showing any forms of favoritism in choosing partners shall be forbidden from participating in our Cotillions, as well as Purim Balls."

"Once we have established and enforced that language is meaningless, and dislocated all the dangerous people who might believe otherwise from power, the guardian rulers shall be in charge of enforcing the meaninglessness of ideas and thoughts, and punishing those who claim meaning-- those who have nothing better to do but to cause trouble-- charming and corrupting the common men with their sickly prose and verse. And this is our third point of light, that all poetry and poets will be banned from our society, as they can at best only offer imitations which are three times removed from the reality, and so paint an inferior view of truth. The only poetry that shall be allowed in our state shall be that which pays homage to the leaders and the Gods, or both at the same time; as the leaders are the paragon of man, who God created in her image and people who don't believe appearance is everything shall be known to all as blasphemers. If we allow the honeyed muse to enter, either in epic or lyric verse, not law and the reason of mankind, which by common consent have ever been deemed best, but pleasure and pain will be the rulers in our state, as demonst rated by Axl Rosen. And I assure you that there shall come enemies of the people who will try to sway the masses with gross displays of their wanton passions, and sanctimoniously claim unto all that it is the truth. This, my comrades, must not be allowed. When detected, the poet must be taken aside and quietly weeded, spit on, ripped up, discouraged, punished, insulted, rejected, dismantled, poisoned, stunted, scolded, excluded, shouted at, cut down, assaulted, denied, eliminated, described, ruled against, condescended to, removed, arrested, destroyed, feared, poked fun of, stabbed at, bitten, trampled upon, killed, and forever forbidden from our pure realm of meaninglessness. There is no room for expression of ideas and thoughts of justice in a truly just society, and we must ensure we stay free from any ideas of equality, so that we may ensure it's existence, for once the idea is born, then comes along the temptation to enforce it. To have equality, we must never think of it."

"But there shall be crazed men, as we all know, who believe in strange and different, untrue, and unnatural things. We must defend ourselves against these few aggressors, who could ruin it for all of us, with their lofty ideals and inherent tendency to commit crimes against nature, which brings us to the fourth point of light-- the republican guard. To protect our non-ideas of freedom and democracy, and to ensure that this world will never again witness the mass genocide committed in thousands upon thousands of wars, instigated by men, we must establish and maintain a trained army, for as Abraham Lincoln once said, "the best protection is prevention," and the only way to ensure a high standard of living in a peace-time economy is to prepare for war. So that we may enjoy an ete rnal freedom, all young men must serve in the army between the ages of fifteen and thirty, after which they will be free to go to college on GI bonds to further pursue studies of the emptiness of their meaningless heritage. For peace to reign on this earth, the aggressors must be killed."

"Oh, but let us be cautious and dubious in formulating this government. Let us reproach the obvious answers with a critical eye, and be reluctant to believe the things we are sure to be true, for no one is perfect. And while no individual man is perfect , a large group has more imperfections than a single man. All bodies of power consisting of government by representation tend to become select aristocracies whose members are more concerned with debased, vane, self-servi ng occupations: filching money from each other, acquiring misters and mistresses, golf tournaments, hanging out with movie stars, getting back stage passes to Guns and Roses-- than they are with providing the quality deconstructive education of nothingnes s that our maverick society shall need to sustain itself. This fact of human nature brings me to the fifth and final point of light: to minimize the imperfections, we must limit the berth of supreme rule in our utopic democracy to a single man-- the one g ifted person who is both capable of perceiving the difference between absolute good and evil, and communicating the valuable knowledge to all the less fortunate, not so favourably endowed beings; and naturally, for reasons elucidated before, this man must be a woman."

"So I welcome you all tonight to the era of pure poetry-- meaningless, structureless, rhymeless. The pedagogues and authoritarian pedants whose beliefs in meaning and content provided the foundations for the elitist, oppressive institution of yesterday's colonizing, exploiting, dehumanizing Princeton have all but been dethroned. We have leveled the playing field. Yes, soon we shall realize the dream of a free America-- when we have replaced the last of the small-minded, intellectual bourgeois, with perceptive, sensitive poets who realize the inherent danger of assigning meaning, and have committed their lives to enlightening mankind to the grand nothingness of it all. These philosophers, interested in only pure knowledge-- the knowledge that nothing is known, shall make the great kings, as we approach the perfect ideal of civilization."

"Yes, my noble friends-- We are on the dawn of the golden age, the day that will finally make God proud of his creation. Tomorrow we shall realize the details of this ideal society which I have here tonight mapped out; and we, the daughters of freedom, shall free humankind from pain, greed, drinking, lust, anger, bile, looting, revenge, check-bouncing, adultery, gambling, oppression, racism, vulgarity, inj ustice, cheating, racketeering, vice, hate, cruelty, jealousy, rioting, exploitation, sorority rush, sin, lying, stealing, corporate scandals, drugs, fear, war, discrimination and favoritism, back-stabbing, gossiping, drugs, shame, pity, extra-marital affairs, ignorance, taxes, and death. Yes, my friends, personkind shall at long last be freed, once and for all, from meaning."

Well there was a big round of applesauce for her, and the President and his wife rose up, and so everyone followed 'em, like they were doing the wave, or something. Everyone in POD was standin' and clappin' reverently, except for Mort, who like looked all pissed off with his shaved head, while everyone in PAD was hootin and whistlin' away, and they just kept on clapping and clappin g, and Sycorax soaked it all up like a sponge, standin' there, beaming and smiling. She got a pretty good sense of just how square she'd hit the nail on the head, and she kind of bit her lip, and held her hands up over her head, and the people just let go and started in whoopin' and whistlin' even more, like she was Kurt Cobain resurrected; and all the rest of the Triangle Club people'd shown up during her speech, and had heard most of it, and they were contributing more than their share to like the powerful din that was rockin' the forest.

"Dude, we've made it big time." Cliff said, nudging me, and just then there walked out of the forest three men sportin cameras that had MTV painted on their sides. And all the Japanese dudes with cameras were filmin g them, and like MTV was filming the Japanese dudes, but the Japanese were winnin', as both side's cameras were Sony.