Beaconway Press-- enhancing the liberal landscape of academia with diversity, and giving liberals something to deconstruct! (Because feminists' work is written in the pre-deconstructed format. I mean hey-- have you ever heard of them deconstructing their own stuff?)

Welcome aboard with Captain Drake Raft and his merry crew of sonneteer looters! We're stealing the right to publish poetry from the cultural elite, and returning it to the people of this nation! We're rapidly becoming the most notorious terror on the electronic seas, as liberals scramble to figure out why they're being left behind in the wake of the Conservative Literary Revolution. Well it's a combination of things. We're smart like Einstein, cool like Fonzy, and we're not tacking 'gainst the truth.

We're not going to wait until Rolling Stone notices that kids would rather read the truth than buy some anorexic-drug-addict's latest phony-balony-whining contribution to the record industry's arsenal. We love music, but like we're not waiting for a guitar solo to express the rational side of our souls. They don't have the youth-pop-culture industry set up for thought, 'cause they can't afford to-- thought breeds rationality and morality, and in such a context Trent Reznor would be embarrassed to sing the words he sings.

Liberal-drug-hippy-rock is a bankrupt philosophy. The whole idea of liberation from traditional ideals and institutions like one's parents is kind of silly when you're rebelling against your mom and her boyfriend. This generation is tired of free love-- we wouldn't mind some that was worth something, which we could work for. And unlike Rolling Stone, we think that girls who aren't wafe-thin are also of value to society. Sure-- Henry Rollins has a big neck, but is it poetry?

Liberals on newsgroups and E-lit-list therapy sessions across the land are totally freaking out as we maneuver our superiour fleet of thought into a position from where we shall liberate liberal education from liberals, and re-institute an atmosphere in this nation's institutions which supports the open exchange of ideas. We just want to make our fore-father's proud, like Socrates, and Twain, and Galileo. We're going to have fun doing this. More than is legal at most univerisities, without signing a pre-dating form.

To bring liberals up to speed, we are offering them a service, free of charge. Our WWW page , chock-full of the truth, is open to all. We believe liberals can learn if they are willing to put forth the effort and study a little of our poetry and prose every day. They need to remember that one can't expect to fully understand Hamlet all in one sitting. We're offering this service to help acclimate liberals to the new academic environment we will soon be implementing, where the truth will be held in higher regard than skin color, sex, and sexual orientation.

Now that we have demonstrated our superiority upon the WWW, which happens to be the one literary medium that liberals don't control, our next step will be to infiltrate their ranks in the elite Universities of this nation. This we will do by sending our resumes to the powerful administrators who commandeer these institutions. They won't be able to afford not to have us, once they realize what a precious commodity our conservative talents will be to their university. The reason we're going with the administrators, rather than the professors, is that the administrators care about money, while what gets taught doesn't matter to them. We feel we can be friends with these people. They will let us teach the truth, and we will let them raise funds, speak at graduations, and get in pictures with the President, and Newt.

We figured President Shapiro, at Princeton University, would be a good place to start, because he recently said in the Princeton Alumni Weekly that it doesn't matter to him what gets taught at the University, 'cause like that's the whole point of a liberal education. He said, "we have the rather startling fact that there has never been much of an agreement on what a liberal education involves and, therefore, what specific set of educational programs this coveted label implies." He says the same thing twice in a row. We would've preferred that he had said it only once, and then used the extra space to tell us what he thinks a liberal education consists of. Then, ascertaining that he does indeed have an idea of what should be taught, maybe we would comprehend better why he finds it startling that nobody can figure out what the hell should constitute an educational program. But liberals hate people who're passionate about the truth, as they tend not to be racist or sexist.

But nowhere in the article does Shapiro express his own views as to what a good book might be, or if in his mind there is indeed the concept that some books are better than others. Only once does he offer a clue as to the whereabouts of his soul. But it is only a clue, and though it is meant to throw us off his liberal track, it does not, for our integrity is too great, and our senses too keen. He says, "Thus, the ideal (of liberal education) has come to encompass such concepts as: the freeing of the individual from previous ideas(that's us!), the disinterested search for truth(that's us!), the pursuit of alternative ideas(yup!), the development and integrity of the individual(uh-huh!), and the centrality of the power of reason." Ahoy! The power of reason! Now there is a start! The man declares that he has an affinity for the power of reason! Then let us use that, as we continue along our merry way.

Is it not reason that dictates to us that if there is no central canon, students will have no common intellectual base to unite them in table-talk at dinner time? Or any other time? Then I guess MTV will have to do the job of uniting us-- which is fine with the liberals. The only reason Joyce Carol Oates is a famous writer is because nobody reads, except for fellow disadvantaged groups, and those in the arts and croissants crowd who make a living off of feeling sorry for them. And that's the way they want it. Make no mistake-- they do have ideas of what should be taught-- nothing that means anything, and that's just fine with Shapiro. He has never made any attempt to distance himself from the nihilism of his institution.

Let us drive down further along the road of "reason." Is it not reason that states some literary works are better than others, that some offer more complete characterizations of man than others? Do not some works make the night deeper, and the day brighter? Does it not stand to reason that if these works, representing the greatest that has been thought and said, representing the truth, are dismissed with a liberal attitude, that one is paving the way for an institution dictated by politics? Is it not with reason that one could examine Princeton, and say that Harold Shapiro is more concerned with Toni Morrison's big name, than he is with instituting a program of education which would foster a community where no girl feels the need to be bulimic, and no student feels inclined to indulge in the destructive behavior of drugs? Is he not more concerned with carrying that scpeter thing in the P-rade than he is with fostering a community which upholds the traditional values of Western Civilization, and encourages moral behavior? A community where the rational part of man's soul is addressed, and words mean things, and are respected and allowed to endow the students with consciences, so that the physical act of sex might again be united with the spiritual side of man's soul, by which lasting relationships are chaperoned. But President Shapiro will look away as many times as it takes, for the power of reason dictates to him that he has no fundamental stake in what gets taught, but only that the Princeton bureaucracy mantains its endowment in today's political climate (which is changing!). That is the nature of the university today, and it is the nature of the business executives/politicians/bureaucrats who run the machine. And this being so, he should not be called President, for the word "President" implies "leader," and words mean things. But he has no intrinsic sense of direction. The power of reason is a wonderful tool, but it is nothing and of no use to anyone if there exists no character to pick it up and wield it.

But do not fret! For we're here to fix the problem! We are prepared to perform the president's job, with enthusiastic verve, good cheer, and our patented wit! And he needs us! He'll be leaning right, as I assume most University Presidents will be! I mean he's already breaking the liberal rules and aknowledging that there exists a nation beyond the university, and that the purpose of the university is to serve this nation! That is Princeton's motto-- in the nation's service! It's not in the feminist's service, nor in the minority's service, nor in the socialist's service, nor in the liberal's service! It is there for us!

Here's our letter:

Dear President Shapiro,

In the March Princeton Alumni Weekly, I noticed your observation that, "Universities and colleges, public or private, are public trusts chartered by the state for common interests of the nation. Although the independence of colleges and universities serves broad national interests, the state has certain rights to seek change."

Also, you said, "liberal education-- despite its current aspirations to openness and inclusiveness-- has often been an instrument of exclusion."

I agree with you in both statements, and I was hoping you might wish to take this opportunity to help liberal education at Princeton realize its aspirations.

My sophomore year at Princeton Joyce Carol Oates tried to kick me out of her class for writing poems that rhymed. Her discrimination against my conservative views did not discourage me, nor did Toni Morrison's. I am proud to say that although I am yet a physics graduate student, my poems are already being taught in introductory literature courses. I am happily pursuing my goal of obtaining the Nobel Prize in Literature.

My poetry speaks to the deeper soul of my generation-- the part that so much of today's culture has let wither. My poetry would help you along in your noble efforts of trying to curb alcohol and drug abuse at Princeton, as the poetry introduces the students to the "high" of the rational soul, which they will find to be far superior to the "high" experienced with the beer, pot, and cocaine that I noticed as an undergraduate. I think my poetry will be more effective than having bottles of beer instead of kegs at reuinions.

I hope you take this opportunity to offer me a job teaching poetry at old Nassau. By doing so you could reassure the people of this nation that the values by which this country was founded, and by which it prospers, are yet worthy of being paid homage to in verse. I love old Nassau, and my only hope is to ensure that she remains committed to fostering an atmosphere conducive to an open exchange of ideas, and romance. I know I'm not alone.

For only $30,000 a year, I could add diversity to the University, and provide the students with a classroom atmosphere that would awaken their subtle sense of rationale. I could exalt their souls, and teach them that the words in the Great Texts mean something. And I could do it at a fraction of the cost of what it takes to employ the other professors. I am what an economist might refer to as, "a good deal."

I hope that you will see it fit to try me out for a year. If the students are as impressed with my poetic expertise as I know they will be, you could then offer me a more permanent contract-- something with tenure, and a more substantial salary. Thus I could do an honest day's work, serve Princeton, the nation, pay off my college loans, and make conservatives feel better about donating money to Princeton.

My work can be viewed on the WWW at http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/home.html. If you have trouble reaching the site, please let me know, and I'll be happy to forward a book to you.

I appreciate your committment to poetry,

Elliot McGucken.

All the best :)